Today’s Reality

Nothing ever goes away until

The stuff we keep coming back to … or the stuff that keeps coming back to US.

Have you ever had a swift and sudden realization that something in your life was about to change?  Or maybe many things all at once?  Such a realization has recently hit me full-force and I am at a point, a place, an AGE, in my life where I am not about to dismiss it.  Instead, I am going to embrace it with an open heart and mind.  I am going to allow it.  I am going to follow it.  You can join me if you want to.  That’s your invitation.

For my entire life, I have wanted to communicate, mainly through writing. I have wanted to speak my truth and what I believe to be the truth. You* don’t have to agree with my beliefs. You don’t have to understand them. But you DO have to allow me to have them, express them, and follow them. You can’t tell me to keep them to myself.

*you being a collective you, not directed at any one person.

For the longest time, that is what I’ve been doing … keeping my beliefs to myself.  I’ve grown quite tired of it.  Living in the 21st century, teaching in the 21st century, parenting in the 21st century, I know that I do not have to be quiet.  Yes, I have to be respectful.  Yes, I have to be discreet due to family and professional obligations.  But no, I do not have to be quiet.  And I’m not going to be.

I have made a lot of mistakes in my life.  I admit to that.  I still do.  I am hardly a perfect person.  But a lot of misdeeds have been done against ME. Once upon a time, I would not allow anyone to mistreat me or talk at me or belittle me.  If you messed up, I did not hide my opinion of your failing.  If you were an a*hole to me, I told you so.  But then I stopped. I stopped telling people what I thought.  I stopped saying what I believe.  My bold spirit faded away.  For a very long time, I thought that was a good thing.  I had always been a very loud, opinionated, sharp-tongued individual.  It felt good to quiet down.  It felt safe.  It felt normal and mainstream.  Until it didn’t.  Until it started to feel very suffocating and fake.

Here I am today, not wanting to be suffocated or fake.  I want to be myself. The reality,  MY reality, is this.  I am a smart, thoughtful, caring, conscientious person who holds in a lot of worry, anxiety, and self-doubt. I tend to be reactive rather than proactive.  I stand still when I should be moving.  I hide for fear of being seen.

When I first published this blog, I thought I would do so in a very quiet, private, protected manner.  That felt fake.  So the only fake thing here are names and places.  That’s all.  The rest is real.  The rest is … the reality of everything.


4 thoughts on “Today’s Reality

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s